“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept people like me as a member.” – Groucho Marx (one of several variants of the quote reported over the years)
I am not fond of writing negative reviews. I am fond of reading them, there’s a certain inner darkness that leaps forward with a touch of glee when poring over a well crafted take-down, be it of a restaurant, a movie, a play, or politician. Some critics have “made their bones” with expertly penned pans of restaurants… strangely, as I think about it, they tend to be British… think Jay Rayner, A.A. Gill, Giles Coren… all of whom would probably have been replaced at their respective positions had the public not eagerly looked forward to their random restaurant trashings interspersed amongst the fluff. Maybe it’s because I’m in the business that I find it much harder to write such things than read them. I know the passion and hard work that go into the creation of dishes that end up falling flat.
But, sometimes, you can just tell, the passion and hard work is missing. It may have once been there, but it’s long gone. It’s not a case of resting on laurels, but of simple sloth, indifference, and detachment. What once may have been a spot that garnered strong support has faded into an empty shell of pedestrian fare and yawn inspiring service. Such, unfortunately, seems to be the fate of Viejo Agump (Old Club), Armenia 1382, Palermo. Touted by many for its Armenian fare, much of that, at least today, seems to stem from little more than it being located in front of the Armenian Church and next to the Armenian Social Club. It surely can’t be that people are impressed by the food coming out of the kitchen. Especially with so many very good Armenian restaurants in town. Sarkis and El Manto, both nearby, immediately pop to mind.
It wasn’t all negative – the reservation process was cheerful and friendly – a message to them via Facebook garnered a response in under five minutes as did a couple of questions. It even delivered a trio of happy face emojis. From that point, however, things took a drearier turn. The space is sparse, feeling somewhere between one of the local sports related social clubs and a cafeteria. It’s seen better days and could use far more than a sprucing up – a complete refurbishment is long overdue. At lunchtime, there were just two staff members, a waitress and a cook. The former spent the hour and a half or so we were there folding cloth napkins in quarters and yawning, the latter was moving slower. Then again, there were only three other customers in the room.
With five of us from the Roving Ravenous Horde (outing #24!) at the table, we decided to share a bunch of things. An easy start seemed the picada oriental chica, six appetizers in portion for six folk. I’m not quite sure how they portion that out – with just three stuffed eggplant cups and two stuffed grape-leaves. It also truly makes me wonder about their picada for a single person, with six plates portioned for one – do they cut those things in pieces? Plenty of olives, which over the course of the meal turned out to be the best thing on the table, and kind of the only thing we wanted to eat again. A decent tabule salad, and an okay eggplant puree were also there. The stodgy clay-like and unseasoned hummus held no appeal. The borderline stale commercial pita bread strips didn’t add anything.
When six people can’t finish four falafel, you know there’s a problem. The density and moisture level of a well used hockey puck comes to mind.
A fetuch salad with wilted lettuce, rock-hard croutons, flavorless cheese wasn’t really offset by fresh tomatoes or more of those really good olives.
An arroz a la persa, normally a flavorful rice dish packed with almonds, raisins, and spices, seemed to have been made from leftover, over-cooked rice, with a scattering of squashed sultanas and a distinct lack of either almonds or seasoning.
The kebbe and the kebab turned out to basically be the exact same thing – four sausages each of dried out, salted beef that might better have been used as chews for your family canine. The only difference were the toppings – one with a tomato, onion and parsley salad atop, the other with a tomato, onion and parsley salad atop plus yogurt, a tomato puree, and a thin slice of chewy flatbread beneath.
The fact that five of us didn’t finish any one of the three main courses is telling. The fact that the waitress didn’t seem to notice, more so. The fact that we deeply regret shelling out a shade over 1400 pesos all told ($70, a mere $14 apiece), with beverages (warm lemonade was not a star) and tip, was the nail in the coffin. As one of the Horde opined on his Facebook post, “first and last visit”. I’ve had better middle eastern food in a shopping mall food court.
